“My Bags Are Packed… Let’s Go.”
I keep having these vivid memories of a playful, spontaneous happy child, running, jumping, skipping and playing. Fortunate for me, I was that child. I remember always running, laughing and playing. Going to school was the highlight of my day. During my school years on the island, we had a morning break and a full hour lunch break. During that hour we were free to play any games we wanted. We made large circles with every kid that wanted to join. There would be over 30 children holding hands running one side then stopping and going the next. Sometimes people fell, which I guess was part of the game.
But you had to get up fast and not stop the flow, the joy, and laughter. Kind of what we should be doing with our everyday life. We also played so many other games such as London Bridge, all the hand/song games, footsies; if you’re from my age group, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. We just spend so much time outdoors.
One of my favorite games was racing with my dog. During the weekends and summer, I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning to go outside and play. If I didn’t wake up early enough, my dog would come into my room to fetch me. We’d run at top speed, barefoot, through the fields and then collapse on the floor. The dog will be jumping all over me. We’d laugh and play for hours: just my dog and I. Those were the best memories I have. When I look back at my life, I am appreciative of what an amazing journey it was.
At no time am I saying that is was an easy life. Like any other family, we had our issues, drama, disappointments, sadness, and abuse. Having realized from a young age that I had a purpose to fulfill and already being in communion with my spirit guides, I was intuitively guided to stay in the present moment and only deal with what was happening at the moment and not to dwell on it once it was over. I believe that is what kept me sane. I also choose to only remember the good stuff, the happy moments, and the playful moments. I accepted all the bad with the good. I did not separate them into different departments, I took it all in as my master schooling and education.
I learned not to take things personally, not to judge without proper motives, to have compassion and to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even if it did not work out, I figure it was meant to be. No skin off my back.
I’m having these vivid memories of being carefree and unencumbered, and then I come to my present moment and wonder, why can’t I be like that again. Why can’t I be that easy spirit, that easygoing little girl I used to be. What changed?
Well, what changed was I. Not the innocence inside of me, but the me that started to believe that she needs to fit in with the status quo. As a little girl, I didn’t care about the status quo, I did what I wanted to do as long as no one was hurt and I can have a good time laughing.
Recently, during a long and deep meditation, I saw little me, sitting with her back against the wall of the house where we grew up. A spot I usually frequented during those early years, where I hugged my dog and cried. Cried for the stuff going on in the household, for the mean friends, for the people that had no clue what was going on with me or even cared. I’m sure they cared, but coming from a time where affection and love were not distributed freely, it was up to me to console myself.
Fortunate for me, my guardian angel was always close by. I knew all along that my angel was there to keep my company, to guide and to console me. I confided in it as if it was my best friend and I felt safe and secure. Playing may have been my way of staying in the vortex, staying in my happy place, and this helped me navigate the negative parts of my life.
In my semi-wakefulness during meditation, I watched her crying, I hugged her and let her know that we will be fine. I let her know that she can trust me because I will always take care of her. That moment gave me peace and closure for the little me that was still hurting.
A few weeks after that experience, I had another visit of little me. This time she came to cry for me. She looked at me and said, “You are unhappy”. WHAT? Me unhappy? And then it hit me. Yes, I am unhappy. Why am I unhappy? Why am I not being the best person I can be?
It was at that moment that I had to admit to myself that I was unhappy; or better yet, not sure where I am in life, in my journey, in my purpose. Great ideas, I have many of them. They flow through me like water in the river. Yet, I have not found one straight road to take. Or did I?
Of course, the question had already been answered. I’ve blocked my own road. At some point in my adult life, I thought, it was me against the world. I had to create roadblocks and high walls to keep people out, just far enough to interact with others without getting too deeply involved. This lifestyle did not allow me to play and be free and to share love abundantly. I figuratively created my own prison walls around me. It wasn’t everyone else keeping me out; it was I keeping me in.
Once this realization sunk in, I knew it was time to make some drastic changes. I decided that from now on I will be spontaneous, I will take the opportunities as they are presented to me, I would not ask too many questions or over-analyze the situation.
You say “Road Trip”. I say, “My bags are packed. Let’s go.”